Application to Date Hellion

Name: _____________________________________ (if your name has ‘Michael’ or any of the nicknames thereof in it, please discard application—or I will)

DOB: / / Astrological Sign: ___________________________

Job: Yes No If yes, what is it? ________________________

Single: Yes No If yes, are you sure? _____________________

Psychotic?: Yes No If no, are you sure? ______________________

Rent/Own/Live with Mom (circle one)

Car (model): _________________ Year: ______
Speed? ________ Color: ________________
Check here if you don’t own a car []

List your three most positive traits:

1.
2.
3.

List your three most nega…never mind, I’ll figure that out on the first date….

List your three favorite movies:

1.
2.
3.

(Discard application is any of these movies have Arnold Schwarzenegger in it.)

List your three favorite leisure activities:

1.
2.
3.

List three places you’d take me on a date—and what we’d do there:

1.
2.
3.

True/False:

1. You are looking for a love like the Titanic
2. You love to take videos of yourself shooting a pig—and show them to friends (and dates)
3. Your father thinks every woman you’ve ever dated is a hideous cow, but you don’t care what he thinks—because you’re not shallow.
4. You think I’d make beautiful babies.
5. You drive like Bo Duke.
6. You believe parking is an acceptable first date activity
7. You know Elvis is alive
8. Napping is an acceptable leisure activity
9. Getting married on a pirate ship would be the bomb!
10. Getting married would be the 10th circle of Hell

Multiple Choice:

Hellion wants to go to a Ren Faire. What do you say?
A. You say, “What’s a Ren Faire?”
B. You don your nearest pirate gear and go with her
C. You give her your wallet and send her off with a group of her friends so she can flirt outrageously with people who will dress as pirate
D. b and c
E. c, but you also listen to her when she gets home and talks about it for the next week and a half

Hellion wants to go to a chick flick. What do you say?
A. “Let’s go. I love how Ryan Gosling fills out his jeans.”
B. “Are you sure you wouldn’t want to see the Will Ferrell movie?”
C. “Fine. But you owe me a blow job.”
D. “Sure. There’s bound to be some naked boobs in the movie somewhere, right?”
E. b, c, or d, but then you also buy popcorn and soda to make up for the fact you’re a schmuck

Hellion wants to have sex. What do you say?
A. “Do we have to?”
B. “Fuck yes.”
C. “I’ll get the whipped cream.”
D. “Have I told you lately how incredibly hot you are?”
E. b, c, or d, but with lots of grateful oral sex on your part

Did I leave off any questions? Any questions you know for sure should be on my application?