Application to Date Hellion

Name: _____________________________________ (if your name has ‘Michael’ or any of the nicknames thereof in it, please discard application—or I will)

DOB: / / Astrological Sign: ___________________________

Job: Yes No If yes, what is it? ________________________

Single: Yes No If yes, are you sure? _____________________

Psychotic?: Yes No If no, are you sure? ______________________

Rent/Own/Live with Mom (circle one)

Car (model): _________________ Year: ______
Speed? ________ Color: ________________
Check here if you don’t own a car []

List your three most positive traits:

1.
2.
3.

List your three most nega…never mind, I’ll figure that out on the first date….

List your three favorite movies:

1.
2.
3.

(Discard application is any of these movies have Arnold Schwarzenegger in it.)

List your three favorite leisure activities:

1.
2.
3.

List three places you’d take me on a date—and what we’d do there:

1.
2.
3.

True/False:

1. You are looking for a love like the Titanic
2. You love to take videos of yourself shooting a pig—and show them to friends (and dates)
3. Your father thinks every woman you’ve ever dated is a hideous cow, but you don’t care what he thinks—because you’re not shallow.
4. You think I’d make beautiful babies.
5. You drive like Bo Duke.
6. You believe parking is an acceptable first date activity
7. You know Elvis is alive
8. Napping is an acceptable leisure activity
9. Getting married on a pirate ship would be the bomb!
10. Getting married would be the 10th circle of Hell

Multiple Choice:

Hellion wants to go to a Ren Faire. What do you say?
A. You say, “What’s a Ren Faire?”
B. You don your nearest pirate gear and go with her
C. You give her your wallet and send her off with a group of her friends so she can flirt outrageously with people who will dress as pirate
D. b and c
E. c, but you also listen to her when she gets home and talks about it for the next week and a half

Hellion wants to go to a chick flick. What do you say?
A. “Let’s go. I love how Ryan Gosling fills out his jeans.”
B. “Are you sure you wouldn’t want to see the Will Ferrell movie?”
C. “Fine. But you owe me a blow job.”
D. “Sure. There’s bound to be some naked boobs in the movie somewhere, right?”
E. b, c, or d, but then you also buy popcorn and soda to make up for the fact you’re a schmuck

Hellion wants to have sex. What do you say?
A. “Do we have to?”
B. “Fuck yes.”
C. “I’ll get the whipped cream.”
D. “Have I told you lately how incredibly hot you are?”
E. b, c, or d, but with lots of grateful oral sex on your part

Did I leave off any questions? Any questions you know for sure should be on my application?

Random Email of the Day

I was actually working. (Imagine. I know, it was hard for me to picture it too.) In the midst of typing in some boring info, my email envelope icon popped up and I had to check. It was from a married couple I’m friends with.

Jeremy has a friend we think you might like. I don’t think you’ve ever met before. Would you be opposed to being set up? We could also schedule a get together some time and invite both of you to introduce you.

Let me know your thoughts.
Jennifer

P.S. Jeremy can tell you more about him.

After a moment of near panic, because the idea of dating sends me into fits of hyperventilation, I calmly responded with: Well, is he cute? Because these are the important questions you need to ask. This was the response.

His name is Tom. He's a good guy that I go out drinking with from time to time. You might have actually met him at the Super Bowl Party we threw 2 years ago. He's a nurse and came in scrubs I think. Anyways, he doesn't have any fetishes of killing pigs and then showing people the video. He's not a creep or anything so that's cool. He's in his lower 30s. His build is similar to mine. He's been active in several CEC shows, just not lately. I mentioned the other night that I had a friend I should hook him up with and he said "hey, I'm not seeing anyone hook me up." (There's no sexual connotation in that). A few years ago I asked him what he looked for in a girl and he said "Big boobs" so that made me think of you (wait, that sounds bad! LOL). He was semi-joking and semi-buzzed at the time too.

After hearing and seeing some of your past boyfriends, I realized he probably wouldn't be that bad of a hook-up. I mean heck, I'm not sure I could find guys like you've dated if I tried. He's got a good job (nurse at the university) and a good place (Broadway Apartments by wal-mart) and is a solid guy. He's into movies, sci-fi, and some books (not as much as you). He's about as much into sports as I am (a little bit but not as bad as he could be). He's also a semi-tech guy so that's good.

As for a double date, I don't think you/us need that. Hellion/You've been on blind dates before and can hold your own.

Jeremy.

I have to agree. He surely couldn’t pick any worse dates than I’ve already done. But of course, I’m fixated on the boobs comment. Actually I’m fixated by the fact that “big boobs” made me think of you comment. That’s really funny because they’re not. So I email:

First, let me just say how immensely flattered I am that I can fall into the category of "single girl with big boobs". Esp since you've seen them. *LOL*

The fact that he's not into killing pigs and showing videos of such kills does rocket him to the top of my list. That was going to my next question. Also behind, "Does he have any weird obsessions with the movie, Titanic?"--though I didn't want to come off as too picky.

Hmmm. He sounds good. Does he email? (And I like the whole "hold your own" comment. Makes me feel I go on my dates armed or something...rather funny really.)

And the response I get is:

Dude, I forgot all about seeing your boobs (well not all about, just in context of talking with him recently about a possible person to connect with him). I mean your breasts were spectacular. I mean heck, even Jenny has to agree with me there. Wait, what are we talking about? Or yeah, your boobs...no wait that's not it.

I don't have his email. Let me see if I can find it and I'll get back to you.

-Jeremy.

His wife immediately writes:

I am a little scared how this conversation has progressed. He’s a good guy Hellion and I don’t think he has any particular thoughts on Titanic one way or the other. If Jeremy gets his email maybe you can start your meeting there and then meet him when ready.

Jen

P.S. I don’t feel like working anymore today.

Well, who can blame her concern about this conversation? So I email back with:

Don't worry, Jen, I totally bring out this quality in emails. And really, it's my fault--I did start it. Don't feel you have to agree with his previous statement. But thank you, Jeremy, nonetheless. *LOL*

You should always thank those who compliment you, you know. Good manners.

Then she emails:

No, your boobs were great. I do agree with Jeremy. I was just laughing at how we went from ‘here’s a nice guy to set up Hellion with’ to ‘her boobs on Mardi Gras’.

These are the emails you remember…

Oh, good, I have great boobs. I’m very excited. This is a red-letter day.