Fantasy Men

I’m pretty sure I was a couple geek points away from being a D&D girl in high school and college. I have geek points in other areas—total book geek, attend ren faires, and totally freaking lose my mind when I see a man in a kilt (or nearly any costume—Star Trek might be stretching it, but I might play).

My friend Tiff is constantly on some sort of banter about Taboo topics and what gets you hot and yadda, yadda, yadda. And where I’m definitely more run of the mill vanilla with perhaps a strawberry stripe (you know, sweet, but tart) rippling throughout my kink-factor love life (I’m speaking very optimistically by calling it a “life” here), Tiff’s runs along the variety of Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk—it’s dark and it has everything you can imagine and perhaps even more—and definitely goes down better in small doses. The closest thing I come to anything remotely kinky is if we’re playing dress up. I do a lot better at just about anything if I think I’m playing a part. (See: Pisces.) I’m not someone you’d hire, but if I dress the part, I can generally interview my way into at least getting offered the job.

When we go out to bars, I put on my badass Hellion outfits (or at least I used to—now I’m more the comfort seeking variety) and strut in with my heels on and my eyeliner in place. Totally playing a part. It’s one of my many versions of myself. (I sound totally skitzo, don’t I?) What was this topic again? Oh, yes, fantasy men.

Duh. I was discussing with Sin about what would probably happen if I met a guy in a kilt. “He doesn’t even have to have a good accent. He’s got a kilt on—just say hello—and I’m spider-monkeying up him, planting kisses all over him.” *sucking on a piece of chocolate* “Men should be very afraid.” They are, they are. So it got me to thinking, big philosopher that I am, exactly what kind of fantasy men I go for. I thought I’d make a list, as a word of warning to all men, that if you meet one of the following, be prepared to be molested and left with a smile on your face.

1) The Highlander: typically a guy in a kilt, but occasionally, my friend Mac had a death wish and would roll his r’s in my ear and affect this lovely, horribly fake Scottish accent purely for my benefit, because he seemed to enjoy my big grin and suddenly petting nature. So kilt or accent or both—if both, just watch where my lipstick goes….
2) The Pirate/Highwayman: something about a guy with a sword telling me I have to take off my clothes. I do prefer pirates with all their teeth—but it IS my fantasy.
3) The Ranger: he’s a new acquisition to the list. He wears all black, drives the best cars, smells like Heaven, and ruins you for all other men in bed. Hell, yeah.
4) The Rake: smooth-talker, witty banter, and moves every conversation to the bedroom. Lead the way, Mayne, and I will follow.
5) The Cop: Handcuffs. (Hey, Tiff, maybe I do have an untapped kink factor.) “I’m sorry, officer, was I speeding again?”

Hmmm. I need at least two more days so I can rotate this through out the week. I’ll think of something and post later.

Any fantasy men who you’d spider monkey for? Firemen? Professors? Architects? Cowboys?