Arlington

I admit I don’t know a lot about Texas. It never really bothered me before. I mean, I know they fought for the Southern Cause; I know the Texas Rangers (obviously) originated there (from Waco); and I know “Remember the Alamo!” where Davy Crockett, Colonel Travis, and Jim Bowie died. I know George Strait is from Texas, long live the King. Johnny Horton died on his way back from playing at the Skyline (in Texas)—killed by a drunk driver. Waylon Jennings has a couple kick-ass songs about Texas, “Let’s go to Luckenbach, Texas, with Waylon, Willie, and the boys…” And I still get teary-eyed when I hear “San Antonio Rose” on the radio.

That’s what I know about Texas.

Apparently there’s an Arlington there. And if you google it, they talk about football and six flags, neither of which I’m all that obsessive about. Apparently I’m a moron. I’m sure if a Harry Potter convention had ever been held there, I would know all about it, but alas, I don’t think Harry is all that popular there. Something about Bible Belt states and witchcraft doesn’t lend itself to Harry Potter conventions.

When someone mentions Arlington to me, I think: Virginia. (As Sin says, where the CIA is, baby!) But I’m thinking, it’s near all the other monuments and stuff—you know, big stuff, like Arlington Cemetery and George Washington monument and a thousand other museums. You know, it’s the spot where Robert E. Lee had his home, and Quartermaster General Montgomery Meigs thought it’d be a great place to bury all the dead. (I don’t think he thought much of Lee.) Of course, it probably jogs my memory since I've been to Arlington, VA.

But let’s not limit our scope. There are other Arlingtons I also haven't been to.

There’s an Arlington in each of the following states, none of which I've visited either: Alabama, California, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Nebraska, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Oregon, South Dakota, Tennessee, Vermont, Washington and Wisconsin. (There are some in Canada too…but I thought I’d try to focus our search to our lower 48.)

Arlington, MA, is particularly enticing since it’s like 6 miles from Boston, and Paul Revere’s famous ride went through it. Interesting. Loving that. Hell, I might have driven through it and not realized it during my Boston trip. (I can wax orgasmic about Boston.)

The Arlington in Oregon seems to pay their female workers just as shitty as they do here. *marks off her list as an Arlington to visit*

Arlington, SD, couldn’t make up its blipping mind when it was being named, first starting with Nordland (we can see why they picked a different name), then Denver (though the postal people never acknowledged this change), then finally deciding to name themselves after Arlington, MA. Must be a city of Libras. *crosses off her list*

Arlington, VT, apparently was hometown to a bunch of the Green Mountain Boys in the Revolutionary War. Also hometown of Norman Rockwell. Nice, maybe could do.

Arlington, WI, is a sprawling metropolis of 484 at last count. The women get paid more here than in Oregon. Hell, they get paid more than I do here. Maybe I should move to Wisconsin.

I won’t even bother to look at Kansas. No one lives in or visits Kansas on purpose. Kansas is the Hotel California of states.

Of course, I’m not really interested in relocating to an Arlington. If I was going to relocate or take a trip, I thought Hell, Michigan looked pretty entertaining. And from there, it’s only a couple hours to get to Climax. (Irony comes free in Michigan, apparently. Comes free, get it. God, I kill myself.) But I’m not interested in Michigan’s normal weather. If I’m going to Hell, I’m going to Grand Cayman to get there. At least there, they also have Tortuga Rum.