Hidden Talents

So while tying one on at the Mardi Gras party (I can already tell I’ll be dining out on Boob Flashing Night for days to come), I introduced my ex (who I usually refer to as Gay Ex Boyfriend, or GXB for short) to my friends I’d brought with me to the party. I then gave him permission to tell all the Hellion dirt stories he could recall. Then I walked off to get a refill on my punch, because I was going to have to return to talk with him again.

He didn’t tell the story right. WTF? I give him permission to tell the humiliating farting-mad story and he fucks it up? Are you kidding me? I sighed at him, then tried to save it from its death on the FUBAR-ed story ravine.

Hellion: “Are you kidding? I actually give permission this time, and that’s how you told it?”

GXB: “Can I tell the one about the board game and the farting?”

Hellion: *horrified look as realizing what that story entails; people will think I have nothing but intestinal troubles the whole time we dated* “No! You had your farting story and you fucked it up.” *turns to friends* “I’m sorry, he’s usually more animated in how he tells things. I don’t know what’s wrong with him.”

GXB: “Can I tell them about the birthday curse?”

Hellion: “You mean YOUR birthday curse?” What a surprise there. The story would be about him. “Well, that one is funny. Fire away.” *I glug half my drink, one of those “Brace Yourself, Hellion”*

GXB: “I told her I had a birthday curse, and she didn’t believe me.” This is apparently going to go much like the farting mad story, I can feel it.

Hellion: “How the hell was I supposed to know you weren’t exaggerating? You’re a damned diva!” We laugh. “But he had a point. Five minutes into his birthday, 12:05 am, I accidentally flood his toilet, and while he’s left to figure out what happened, he stomps out to the car to yell at me where I’m huddled up with my friend Jackie, and we’re listening to his birthday present—a soundtrack of Titanic. I am facing a pissed off GXB who yells at me, ‘You flooded my toilet! And I can hear the soundtrack from the bathroom! I told you my birthday is cursed!’ Then he stomped back into the house in a fit of rage.” I turn to the others. “Total diva. Seriously, the stories he told about it up until this moment. ‘My tire fell off my car!’” I rolled my eyes, then asked him, “Come to think of it, how many tires did I go through just dating you? Six?”

GXB: “In the first month.”

Hellion: “My luck turned around in tires as soon as we stopped dating. Oh, remember that one flat tire? The one where I returned to your house?”

GXB: “Yeah, the one where we were naked in bed when your father shows up at the door at 3 am. It rings a bell.” GXB makes a facetious shot gun pumping sound.

Hellion: “I swear to God, we’d just drifted asleep, and I hear a knock, and it was like a fire alarm had gone off. I rolled one way, he rolled the other—and the first thing out of my mouth was, ‘That’s Dad.’ GXB informs me that it couldn’t be—and proceeds to answer the door in his boxers, cowboy boots, and wifebeater shirt.” We all look at GXB to picture this fashion outfit. “I think the cowboy boots are really what made the outfit.”

GXB: *laughing but glaring at the same time; hey buddy, I owe you for telling all the stories about me dressed in cut off shorts and more wardrobe malfunctions* “Never mind YOU.” He turns and starts the animation in full form. “I thought she was Elizabeth from Bewitched. I don’t get anything more than ‘Um, hello, Mr. Hellion, uh, let me see where Little Hell…’ and I turn, and you’re fluffing your hair, COMPLETELY fucking dressed, not even breathless, and ask your father as bold as you please what he was doing there! When did she have time to dress?” I did manage to have a rather shocked look on my face when I took in GXB’s get up that night, as if that was the first time I saw him in boxers or something. Really, the cowboy boots were quite hysterical.

Hellion: “I was dressed.”

GXB: “Yes, but it was literally like magic. It was like your clothes just melted right on you.”

Holler: *laughing uproariously since the gun-pump explanation* “She does that at the gym too. I won’t have my shoes completely off and she will have changed out of everything and is tying her shoes back on!”

GXB: *pointing at Holler as proof* “See! See!”

Jenny: “She is a fast dresser—I did notice this at the gym too.”

Hellion: “What? It’s a handy talent, damnit. I can dress and undress at a moment’s notice. And pretty much in the dark. It’s worked well for me. You have to be able to do that.” And also how to dress in the back of a car with limited space, but I didn’t share this information.

So that was a long way to get to Vegas, but that’s the question of the day: what’s your hidden talent? Fast dresser? Super-sonic potato peeler? What? GXB can belch like a lumberjack. It’s quite impressive…