Evidence

There is a truth universally acknowledged that a person determined to tie one on by no means wants documented proof showing her getting blitzed off her ass and acting (acting? Who’s acting?) like an ass.

Because while I was quite chirpy and happy come Monday after the Mardi Gras display, Holler then showed me the pictures she took with her digital camera. (Now the video J. took was quite funny, even if I should be barred from acting EVER. Never mind.) Anyway, we scroll through the pictures, and Holler said, “Look at this one.” She immediately starts to giggle. That’s a good sign.

I recognize me, obviously: The Dolly Parton hair I’d done, my t-shirt, the jeans that refused to stay zipped (it wasn’t me, it was them), the fact I can’t stick to the WW’s program for more than two weeks at a time—all glaringly obvious, Hellion in full form. Only I’m hopping or something, one arm is in the air, and yet my head is tilted in a way that I can tell I was quite seriously intent on whatever I was doing. Whatever I was doing being the operative question.

Holler: “I think you’re dancing.”

Hellion: *horribly offended, but struck by the realization ‘I think she’s right’* “Are you sure?” Immediate thought: I can never dance again. Holy shit.

You know that cute little email that sometimes gets passed around that says “Dance like no one’s watching?”—yeah, pack of lies, because if you saw this photograph, you too would go: Hellion, why didn’t anyone shoot a tranquilizer dart at you? This is painful!

Yes, yes, it is.

Holler: *still giggling* “Yeah, I think so. What’s going on with your arm?”

Hellion: “I have no idea. Obviously I was in the midst of a seizure.”

Holler: “That’d be my next guess.”

So we’re at lunch when Holler drops this next little bomb.

Holler: “Dr. Cricket asked me to send that picture to him.”

Hellion: *going stock-still* “What?” I’ve obviously heard correctly. More giggling.

Holler: “Yeah, I sent it to him.”

Hellion: “Holler! Now I’m definitely not going to live this down! Remember the Personal Ad incident? I’m going to be seeing that damned picture everywhere! And my birthday is this week!”

Holler: *still giggling* “I know, but hey, no one can really tell it’s you. It’s not a face shot.”

Hellion: “No, it’s just a flailing limbed seizure dancing shot. That’s so much better.”

Holler: “I know, but it’s going to be really funny.”

So not only do I have circumstantial proof I was dancing like a complete moron, but I also have direct proof since Holler was wielding the camera at the time.

This will rate up there with the pictures of me on the mechanical bull, wearing my tiara and pink feather boa. Except the flailing in those pictures makes much more sense.

Humiliation factor on scale of 1-10, probably a 7. The one on my 18th birthday with me sitting on the toilet is a definite 10. The Laura Ingalls Wilder 5th grade school picture, probably an 8.

Any pictures you have you wish you could burn?