Last Post For Awhile

Because I'm going on Vacation!

That's right. Hellion is flying to Virginia (no, not on my broom) and meeting with Terri & Tiff, who will already be hanging out and doing all things indolent and vacationy.

Some interesting trivia before I go:

Sin has the ability to "scissor-kick" people in the back of the head. She told me so on the way up to meet our critique group, The Sassy Scribes, on Saturday. I nearly drove off the road, I was laughing so hard at her story about it.

"Russian Goggles" is a similar term to "Tea-Bagging", which I had interestingly enough HAD heard of before both terms were bandied about at the co-worker party Brad took me to Saturday night. His friend, Ted, brought it up, then left Brad to explain it to the rest of us ignorant females...and when he brought up "Tea-Bagging" as a frame of reference, a look of enlightenment must have skittered across my face because he looked rather priceless when he asked, "You know what that is?" "Yes, I know I've been told before what it is...but I'm not drawing a complete definition at the moment." At the moment, I was thinking, It was something Jack and Matty had yammered about--and it's probably as deviant as that whole donkey punch crap that Matty had to explain to me. If you don't know what the terms are, you can Wikipedia it. I'm not telling you.

I've discovered not all Mikes are bad. I know, I wouldn't believe it either. I have been emailing with this applicant/student for a couple months; and he really wanted in this summer. I told him it would take a miracle; I bugged the hell out of him; and he did everything I asked. I finally got to process him for summer, since I wanted to do it before I left on vacation and when I told him all was done, he wrote back he was "speechless." I had written I wasn't opposed to bribes of chocolate. He sent me this ostentatiously huge bouquet of flowers--and I stared at it for five minutes, couldn't sign my name to "receive" them I was so flummoxed and shaky, then nearly broke into tears at the card. "Thank you for saving me. Gratefully, Mike." Usually at best, I get a chocolate bar from a grateful student...and really, it IS my job, so why expect more? But this was awesome. I've taken about 6 pictures of it. I'm rather devastated I won't be able to enjoy it much more since I'll be on vacation (it arrived yesterday). P.S. Mike is engaged. I *did* ask; I mean, I had to, but I figured he'd at least be dating...anyone who follows a woman's directives that well without complaint or questioning...yeah, he's taken.

Anyway, if you ever want to make me cry: send flowers. And you know the totally kick-ass part--this bouquet is freaking gorgeous and not one carnation in the batch--and we all know I hate carnations. You didn't know? Oh.

I hate carnations. They are the flower of death. Can't stand them.

My luggage for the trip probably weighs as much as I do. I pack like Scarlett O'Hara. Although my boss (I adore the man) said, "I had a student once who brought four trunks with her for an overnight trip. The others never let her live it down." I'm not that bad. One big suitcase, one backpack and my purse. I tried to leave some room for souvenirs. I've brought 6 pairs of shoes; 2 pairs of which are flip-flops; 2 are high-heels; 1 pair tennis shoes; 1 pair leather sandals.

Quiz Results

Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
You scored as a Hermione Granger
You're one intelligent witch, but you have a hard time believing it and require constant reassurance. You are a very supportive friend who would do anything and everything to help her friends out.

Hermione Granger

85%

Ron Weasley

80%

Harry Potter

75%

Albus Dumbledore

75%

Sirius Black

70%

Severus Snape

65%

Remus Lupin

65%

Ginny Weasley

65%

Draco Malfoy

60%

Lord Voldemort

45%

The Hero's Journey: A Rant

For those Potter readers without the benefit of a liberal college education and who somehow circumvented having to take a mythology class, a head's up: STAR WARS was not the original hero's journey, so therefore JK Rowling did not steal Spielburg's idea.

I can hear you croaking now, but it's true. "Snape is Hans Solo..."--blah, blah, blah. No. Spielburg stole it first. Actually he didn't exactly "steal it" because he simply used a story arc that has been used since the flipping beginning of time called: The Hero's Journey.

Stories, as you might not realize or understand if you think they're all supposed to mean something and change the world like Rushdie's Satanic Verses, are about the Human Experience. If you're writing something outside of the human experience, while you can gloat you actually wrote about an "original idea", no one will actually give a damn because no one will understand it since it sits outside the relevance of what we know and understand. We understand ambition, hate, greed, power, God or the Higher Being, jealousy, sloth, temptation, lust, goodness and charity, friendship, death, loss, fear, family, and love. We've all felt these, been captured by these...maybe fallen into hell by these...but I assure you, these aren't "original". They are Timeless though.

So if you want to say JK Rowling's writing voice is boring; that you just couldn't get into the world she's drawn--FINE. That's logical. I don't exactly get into Homer's voice either, but he tells a damn fine hero's journey too. But don't say she's unoriginal because she stole her ideas from STAR WARS because it's just not true. Nor did she steal them for Tolkien...or the other thousands of other fantasy writers who's penned a fantasy novel.

#1: The gray-bearded mentor ALWAYS dies because the hero must face the BIG BAD EVIL all by himself. That's how it's always been--since Beowulf. #2: The hero must always "die" (usually to save everyone)--but is then resurrected. Jesus comes to mind--I suppose you're going to say he stole it from somebody, Beowulf, perhaps?

And in the hero's journey, the hero returns to the "normal world" to live Happily Ever After, a reward for conquering all that was evil and unjust. The ultimate boon. Usually with the sassy redheaded girl he meets along his journey.

Thank you. And I will stop reading people's reviews of Deathly Hallows because it's obviously just pissing me off!

Mea culpa: So sorry--George Lucas rather than Steven Spielburg wrote and directed Star Wars--not that I give a f*ck.

Brief Song Parody

I miss doing song parodies...so here's a brief, bad one. I'm working on one for "Camelot"--Cest Moi. I'll probably do it at the Vagabonds sometime.


There's just one wizard for me at Hogwart’s
Harry's his name, of that Potter fame
Why for every hero there must be a fan
I've found my mate, by fate of a bad date…

And now…

[Refrain]
I'm just wild about Harry
And Harry's wild about me
The dangerous larks with a Lord so Dark
Cause me and my friends to disagree!
He's brave like a Gryffindor lion
And like those schmucks on reality TV
Oh I'm just wild about Harry
And he's just wild about, cannot do without
He's just wild about me

There are some fellows that like all the girls
But Harry has no time to do manly crimes
He says he must vanquish Voldy before
Voldy kills us all, this is Total Recall!

Harry...

Well, I can't tell you. I'd probably he lynched by some Potterite who hadn't finished the book but was still bothering to patrol the net for spoilers...but it's ended. I can stop obsessing about it, just as soon as I read the book a second time, which I plan to do this week.

I will mention a couple of my favorite moments:

1) When Ron Returns: "You...complete...arse...Ronald...Weasley!" God, I love Ron & Hermione together. They are a riot.

2) When Ron Punches Draco: "That's the second time we're saved you, you two-faced git!"

3) When Severus Snapes Reveals All: OMG, Alan Rickman, can I please have your babies?

4) When Harry d... Oh, I said I was only going to mention a couple. Oh, well, then...carry on.

What did you all think of the book? The ending's a little crazy, right? Lots of stuff that didn't make sense? Did you love it or loathe it?

10 hours....

You know your obsession has gotten the better of you, when you can't hardly plan a date because you'll be too busy reading about what happens to Harry. "I'm really sorry. I promise I'll be a lot more fun once this book is read...and a lot more available." Sad, sad. Hell, my Captain Jack Sparrow fantasy life has been shunted aside for Harry. (Jack wasn't near as understanding.)

Tonight, I'm going to the movie again, then I'll have some butterbeer (1 cup cream soda and 2 tablespoons butterscotch schnapps), then we'll go stand in line (the Peasant line because we didn't preorder through B&N) to get our books. Mind you, my OTHER copy of the book is coming by owl...and I didn't want to take a chance on the owl getting lost on the way to my house. Or actually the far more likely prospect: being shot on the way to my house...or becoming a part of someone's truck grill. (That last one has actually happened.)

Pray Harry lives...we won't know what to do with me if he doesn't. (A Cheering Charm will not work.)

1.55 days left until Harry...

Lives. Or at least, he damn well better. And in the famous words of Emerson at Mugglenet.com--make sweet, sweet love to Ginny and make lots of babies. *LOL*

*hopping up and down like on crack*

My normally practical friend and I spent an HOUR after yoga last night discussing Jason Isaacs (Luscious Lucius) in the parking lot of the gym. An HOUR. Just about Jason Isaacs--though I did rhapsodize a bit about Gary Oldman and we discussed my collection of DVDs and whether I should be renting them out since I have so many (egads). Pam thinks I have a good chance of being marketable--since I'd have movies that some places wouldn't have. Obscure period or British movies, I guess. *LOL* True. I have a LOT of period pieces.

Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter.

For Terri

Here you go. Just for you. But not with MY pictures...I don't want him besmirching my photos.

And I cropped out his badger beard and dorky Captain Underpants underwear and cape.

Enjoy.

Continuation of Yesterday's Obsession

2 1/2 days until Harry's Fate is revealed. I had a long, exhaustive talk with the UPS guy about it. I think he's relieved he is not delivering my book on Saturday. Well, he might be sorry; I'll most likely kiss whoever delivers it.

Because Terri has no idea of the HAWTNESS of the characters we're talking about, I thought I'd post a few pictures. Seriously, the woman should obsess more like normal folk.

Here is a pic of Lucius Malfoy, or as I suspect my normally very practical friend is calling him in her mind: Lucious. I think there might a bit of the S&M about her and she doesn't know it, what with her fascination of his bitchy expression and big stick.



Me, I'm no better. I have a fascination with men old enough to have technically fathered me. *sighs* Or ones I could have almost given birth to. It's creepy in either direction.

Sirius Black:


















But admittedly I preferred Gary Oldman in The Scarlett Letter:














Yeah, I think he's far hotter here too...but this was about 10 years ago. Give the guy some slack.

And then there is Snape. Not only does Alan Rickman have that delicious growl and snotty way of speaking, but...well, there's not really a but...the voice is truly enough, but the heavy-lidded eyelids that make you think of bedroom-matters even as he's obviously sneering at you is too delicious to pass up.









And because I couldn't resist, mate, I will include this final Snape shot I found on the net:











So...does this help the "jumpable" question from below? Oh, and I didn't include pics of Harry and Ron because all their pictures looked incestuous in comparison with these guys.

Who Would You Jump?

After a scintillating conversation with my normally very practical girlfriend, I realized we share a secret obsession with “bad boy” villain characters. Of course, let’s be real, we always had an unhealthy fascination for bad boys. We both loved Bo Duke, and it’s gone downhill from there.

She confessed a current obsession with Lucius Malfoy, who played quite a role in Harry Potter 5, and with his long blonde hair and his big stick he carries—well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why she wants to jump him. He’s quite jumpable. Myself, I played the Sirius card. Not only did he have long hair (a bit curly which I always love), he had the goatee going on. Men with goatees and a bit of a badass—irresistible to women. I cannot express this enough. (My friend said Sirius was very fine—and she too like goatees, but that Lucius currently held her attention. She was very shamefaced since he always says horrible things. I said, “Who cares? You weren’t planning to hold a conversation with him.” This cheered her considerably.)

Then I pointed out that Lucius wouldn’t have anything to do with her anyway, since she’s a Muggle, she said she’d impress (actually I think her word was “dazzle”) him so much with her witching skills, he’d totally forget she wasn’t a pureblood. I said this was a great plan; then said I would work on giving Sirius a “cheering charm” (since he’s so depressed and broody) but that I’d probably start simply with a Muggle trick of “flashing first” to see if that had any effect. As Dumbledore said, start with the simple charm first—since it’s always best to go with the simple answer first.

So which character from the Harry Potter movies would you most like to jump and why? And how would you go about it? Okay, maybe not the last question…I’m sorta afraid of the responses I might get.

Hellion's Holiday

So I was gone Thursday & Friday. (Did you miss me? Of course, you did.)

There's too much to talk about what happened Thursday and Friday, so I'll just share some various conversation snippets of the last few days:

* * *
Holly: *handing a Bertie Bott's Bean to Pam* Here, try the earthworm flavor. It tastes like dirt, but with something a bit zesty.
Hellion: *chomping hers* Yes, it IS like dirt with something more. Something meaty. *casts look in rearview mirror at Pam, who looks positively disgusted*
Holly: Liver I think.
Hellion: Good one!
*Pam takes a dainty nibble off the end of the earthworm flavor, making gakking sounds*
Holly: *realizing we've tried all the flavors* Anyone else want another bean? We've gone through them all.
Pam: *still delicately gakking* Soap. Give me another soap.
Holly: Really? You liked the soap?
Pam: I'm trying to get the DIRT out of my mouth.
Holly: Oh, well, that'll do it.

* * *
While watching the lame magician at the Harry Potter feast, disturbed our $45 went toward paying for this guy.

Professor Snap: You know Harry Potter has that scar on his forehead; in high school I had a big L on my forehead so I could totally empathize...
Pam: *leaning over to whisper* You mean, it's not still there?
Hellion: *bursting into hysterical laughter, non-Snap related*

* * *
Several times during the day.

Hellion: Where did Holly go? I can't find her. We're going to be late [or: kicked out of the store because it's closing. or: really late...]

* * *
On the phone.

Pam: So do you think you'll want to go to happy hour?
Hellion: God, I have a headache...let me take something. *yawning* I did promise to go. *click, my phone hangs up* Son of a bitch.... *redials, gets Pam* Sorry, the phone's acting wonky.
Pam: Do we know where we want to go? *click, my phone hangs up again*
Hellion: Son of a bitch! *redials, apologizes to Pam a second time* No, I don't even feel like drinking at the moment. It's so hot. *click, the phone hangs up a third time* Arrggh!

* * *

At the bar. After three beers.

Brad: And then... *gestures, his arms swinging and accidentally a bowl goes flying off our tiny rickety table and crashes to the floor spectacularly; we stare in horror*
Waitress: I'm cutting you off.
Brad: *pointing at me* She did it.
Hellion: *wondering if I might have, can't really remember* Well, it was good of you to take the blame for my klutzy ways...

* * *

After the fourth beer.

Brad: *says something funny as I'm taking a drink of beer*
Hellion: *spits the beer all over Brad and Chris, coughs* I'm sorry, shit, I'm really sorry.
Brad: That's okay. I broke a bowl.

Ten minutes passes.

Brad: *says another funny thing; probably that he was Greek and that was why he broke the bowl--which is clearly untrue since he's fair complexed and freckled*
Hellion: *spits another mouthful of beer, really splashing both Chris and Brad* Oh fuc...
Brad: *laughing* It's okay...
Hellion: *mopping up with napkin* No, this is really bad manners. I usually swallow.

So I had a really fun holiday...and I didn't even talk about the cardmaking portion of my weekend. How was your weekend? What did you do?

Harry Update

Harry lives! Or at least he does for the next 10 days.

I'm halfway through book 6 (this is probably my second or third reading of the book--and I find myself devouring the book just as rapidly as I did the first time)--and wonder what the hell I'm going to do to bide my time between now and July 21.

Thursday, I will be gone all day. A Harry Potter feast in a castle AND to see the movie.

Friday, gone all day. Probably going to see the movie again (with the friend who can't go to KC with us to the feast & movie); and I'm probably going to get my hair cut. I might even go to a Happy Hour.

Saturday will be card-making--and I've got new Pirate stamps, so be prepared everyone. All Hellion gifts you may receive in the future will probably have a pirate stamp somewhere on it.

Sunday, I will probably sleep...though I really need to write. I'm such a schmuck. I haven't written anything on Ben in weeks! (Though I did write a bit on Adam & Eve & Lizzie & Lucy.)

THEN it will be a WEEK of waiting until the book is released. I foolishly ordered my book through Amazon--super saving shipping--so I probably won't even get it until the 25th...and then I'll have a critique group meeting the Saturday of the 28th; and the week after I'm going to Virginia. Oh, well, there's always the plane rides. It IS the last book. I suppose I can "savor" it.

How many betting I'm going to cave on Saturday, July 21st, if it doesn't arrive by mail and drive to B&N and BUY a copy to read that day?

I Saw This On Sin's Site and Totally Hijacked It (Pirate)

Body: Finish the sentences. [Hellion: okay, I'll try] Some may be uncomfortable, but you'll manage. [Hellion: *snickering*]

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss was..
way too long ago. I need to work on that.

2. I am listening to...
POTC3 Soundtrack…I’m so predictable.

3. I talk...
when I want, all the time, loudly, with very little censorship. I can also be very quiet. If I am quiet, someone probably needs to hand me a Pepsi.

4. I love...
Captain Jack Sparrow.

5. My best friends are...
wicked, brilliant, funny, fun, loving, loveable, and unmitigated pains. I wouldn’t change a thing about them.

6. My Car is...
a fast brilliant piece of machinery, cleverly disguised as a boring sedan

7. My love life...
is the gas station on a remote route of Route 66—self-service if it’s in service at all.

8. I hate it when people ask..
“So you’re an English major—you must be a teacher, right? Do you teach?” Nope, hate kids. That shuts them up pretty quickly.

9. Love is...
the root of all power. It corrupts; and it corrupts absolutely.

10. Marriage is..
slightly less dangerous than house cleaning, but why chance doing either?

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking...
“If I had Hellion to myself for ten minutes, I could die a happy man”—Jack! How lovely to see you again!

12. I'm always...
procrastinating. Obviously.

13. I have a secret cheesy crush on...
just about everyone, really. Captain Jack Sparrow. Orlie. Richard…Ranger…really, the list is unmanageable.

15. My cell phone...
is somewhere in the bottom of my purse, dead, because I never remember to charge the damned thing—that is if I ever remember to turn it on.

16. When I wake up in the morning...
lay there until the last possible moment, then amble around like a chicken with its head cut off because I’m late.

17. When I go to bed at night...
I sleep like the dead.

18. Right now I am thinking about...
Sleep, now that you’ve mentioned the bed. I would love a nap, right about now.

19. Babies are...
tiny tyrants who smell funny, are largely demanding, and whose only saving grace is that they’re tiny and cute and therefore everyone wants to fawn over them.

20. I get on myspace....
and immediately book over to the superior facebook to talk to my friends.

21. Today I...
will work until 4:30, then run off to my friend’s house to eat Chinese and watch Pride & Prejudice. I’m very excited to learn what the ending will be…

22. Tonight I will..
try not to bite anyone’s head off…it will be a feat of accomplishment.

23. Tomorrow I will...
asleep, until it’s too hot to sleep, then I will read, then sleep some more. I’m really looking forward to it.

24. I really want to...
have sex with Captain Jack Sparrow…oh, I mean, sleep. I really want some sleep.

Woohooo

14 days until HP7 is released; 4 days until the movie's released (and 5 days until I actually get to see it and go to the Harry Potter Feast in KC). Everything is so close I can almost taste it.

Then about a week and a half after that, I'll be in Virginia, doing my damnest to not be Amish.

2007 is a great year. But I knew it would be. It has a 7 in it. 7's a great number; and if you add up 2007, it makes 9, which is 3 x 3, and 3 is an awesome number too.

Now I need to go write on Adam & Eve's story. I have to give Adam a makeover and turn him into Brad Pitt, which he kinda looks like. Eve is going to spit fire. It's going to be awesome.

What's your favorite number and what will you be doing today? In a few weeks?

What I Always Talk About

18 days until Harry Potter 7 is in stores. 18 days. I remember when it was 18 weeks and I didn't think July would ever get here.

I'm currently engrossed in book 5, in my bid to re-read the series again before the movie & book hit the theaters/stores. (A faculty member, upon realizing I wasn't just reading book 5 but all of them, blinked and said, "Okay. If that's how you want to spend your summer." I didn't take her to heart. Her idea of a great book involved a tortoise and a baby rhino, both victims of the tsunami in India. Whatever. I mean, it really doesn't compare to the life and death tension I'm facing with Harry and the gang.)

Last night I watched (after a day of "napping" so much I actually got a headache) Pride & Prejudice and Sense & Sensibility. I can't decide which one I like better. It used to be S&S, no contest, but the more I watch the new P&P, the more it grows on me. (I'm sorry, Colin. You'll always be Mr. Darcy to me.)

As usual with my Sundays, I read all day and didn't write anything on my WIP or my other WIP...or well, I didn't write some notes about a blog, but not for this blog.

And POTC3 was still listed in the top 10 movies. Hurrah. It was #8. :) I love you, Jack!

So what Sunday things did you do? The same as you always do? Anything new? Watch any favorite movies?

Regression

So I was at the grocery store, looking at the books (there was one about Camelot I wanted to find, Camelot's Destiny?? I don't remember), and suddenly I see IT. I squeal, lunge at the shelves, and pick up the coloring book.

Harry Potter.

Pictures from all five movies.

Clearly I must have it. I gladly pay the $5 for it, though normally I would never pay that much for a coloring book. Any coloring book. I go home before I recall: I have no crayons.

So last night I wandered over to Wally World, a box of crayons at the top of my list. Just above a roasted chicken. I broke down and bought the 96 box of crayons. I was tempted to try the 120 box, since it came in what looks like a cigar box, but refrained. Then I wandered down a few more steps, and lo, a coloring book of Pirates of the Caribbean! Poster sized floor coloring sheets, it advertised...and lots of representations of Jack. It was mine. I threw it into the cart.

Once I got home and ate my roasted chicken (discounted, no less), I started on a picture of Jack, then put it away when his boots sucked up about half my brown crayon. I pulled out the Harry Potter book and flipped through it for twenty minutes, choosing carefully which page I wanted to color. I finally picked one with Harry & Ron, and I began to color to my heart's content as I watched Flags of Our Fathers.

So...are there any childhood toys or memories you have that you can't resist revisiting whenever you get the chance? Me, I liked to draw and color. Occasionally if I'm in a park, I'll find myself hanging upside down from the nearest gym bar and shrieking like a monkey. I like to blow bubbles with my gum and pop it next to someone's ear. And whenever I see a carosel I can actually ride on, I lose my mind picking out the right horse. (It's usually a fierce black one who looks like he's going at a full gallop....)

All Things Harry Potter (warning: this blog may contain obsessive raves)

Today is June 21, and while to most people this only means: "hey, it's the first day of summer", for me (who shuns sunlight like a vampire), it means: in exactly one month, I'll have Harry Potter's newest (and last) book in my hot little hands and I will finally, finally have all the big questions answered.

Warning: if you write "Harry Potter is going to die" in the comments, as a dictator, I will delete it. Just saying. Cast your John the Baptist bits of doom on someone else's blog. I am obviously too narrow-minded to consider the possibility.

Okay. Per your request, I have come up with a short guide to dating a la Harry Potter. And it goes like this:

Number 10: Be moody, broody, and slightly mad. It worked for Lord Byron, and it probably helps if you’re also known as “mad, bad, and dangerous to know.” This worked well for Harry in book 5, where he finally got to snog a girl.

Number 9: Transfiguring your date into a supermodel will probably not get you a second date with them. Transfiguring yourself might. Swallowing some Polyjuice Potion might work for you, as well; however, keeping Orlando Bloom or Jude Law locked in a trunk so you can have access to stray hairs will most likely get you jail time for being a complete stalker/kidnapper. (Might just be cheaper, less law-breaking, to do a Hugh Grant.)

Number 8: Falling in love with yourself is the beginning of a life long affair. Ask Professor Lockhart.

Number 7: Be careful not to break your wand under stressful circumstances. “Making magic” with a broken wand is nie onto impossible.

Number 6: If you find yourself bickering with someone of the opposite sex all the time, you are in love with this person. You won’t know it though until she starts dating a complete prat because you live in complete denial.

Number 5: If blind adoration doesn’t work (and it never does), pretend to fall in love with someone else to make your Girl/Guy of Your Dream realize you’re a limited commodity. (Supply and demand has ruled since Eve and the apple.) Lead him on a merry chase as you happily date other idiots until GOYD kisses you in the middle of the Common Room.

Number 4: Fall in love immediately with someone who doesn’t know you exist. Wear your heart on your sleeve for years and blush profusely anytime he/she talks to you. Promptly get yourself possessed by the Evil Villain so he/she has to rescue you—at least that way he/she knows you exist.

Number 3: Tamp off jealous rages that the GOYD is dating a complete prat by accusing her/him of showing disloyalty to country, school, or common friends. Make something up if necessary. Guilt is a necessary and viable dating tool to get you to make out with GOYD.

Number 2: When asking a girl out to a dance, separate her from the “Pack”. This will be difficult since we all know women do everything in groups of two or more, even going to the bathroom—which is completely absurd since there is no such thing as two toilets in one stall.

Number 1: When you finally find the love of your life, break up with her to “protect her” from the bad guys and thereby let everyone in the world know that you’re just as much of an idiot as the next guy—because we all know this whole heroic ploy will have been useless when the villain kills her anyway and you wasted valuable time you could have been using to make out with her. Dumbass.

So what dating advice have you gleaned from Harry Potter? Or any movie really? I might be having another date again, eventually, I could use all the advice I can get.

Family History

When I was 10, I fervently hoped somewhere in the background of all our pious family histories (my family is riddled with do-gooders and deacon elders) there might be an outlaw or two to spice things up. I sincerely believed I might be a throw-back to an otherwise unremarkable family. Being I was the one child in like the entire family who hated church, being good or even particularly Christian, I wanted proof that we had some wild blood somewhere.

Now 20 years later, I’m realizing something: the current family members are the “throw-backs”. We have an entire family of outlaws; and if anything, I’m pretty sure much of current family are outlaws, but they spend so much time hiding it, we’re just not aware of what they’re doing. I can’t even in good conscious call myself the “black sheep” because comparatively, I’m a lamb when held against the others’ exploits.

For years, I would ask the aunts for family tidbits. Women=gossip, right? No, these guys were massive “cover up agents” and if I mentioned so much as the thought of “wouldn’t it be cool to have an outlaw in the family”, I got a half-hour lecture. Apparently I was approaching the wrong sources.

Last Memorial Day, Dad and I walked at Perche Church among the gravemarkers (because that’s the sort of morbid thing my family does), and he caught me up on stories. I was standing next to the marker of John Marshall [my last name], recalling he was the son of Adam Wirth (the one who died in the Confederate war), and was flummoxed by the marker next to him. George.

“Who’s George?”

“Oh, he was one of my uncles.”

“He’s by himself. He didn’t get married?” I mean everyone in my family gets married, usually a couple times.

“Yes. But she left him, so she’s buried somewhere else.”

She left him? Scandal! “Really?” I said. “Why was that?”

“Oh, he was wild. He shot a man and killed him.”

I gaped at my father, who deadpanned this bit of trivia. What? “He didn’t go to jail?”

“No, he got off. Pappy got a lawyer and they were able to get him off.” Dad stared at the stone, nodding. “Come to think of it, it was a cousin who turned George in for the reward, because up til then he was on the lam, then he gave the money to Pappy to pay for the lawyer.”

While I’m still gaping at this—with sudden clear revelation that this is the “relative” that the aunts hinted at but refused to talk about, awesome!—and Dad pointed out another headstone. “This cousin got married the day she had a baby. Nobody knew she was pregnant.” How can that be? I thought that only happened in The Enquirer.

“Oh, come on.”

“No, really. Her mother went and got her sister to help figure out what was wrong, and it was her sister who said, ‘She’s going to have a baby.’ They found the man she’d been with and she got married. She put the day of her wedding on her marker, see; and the baby died that day too…so we could all tell when she had the baby.” Very tragic, but at the same time, proof positive I'm not a throw-back.

Nothing but outlaws in my family.

How about you? Any salacious bits of gossip you’ve discerned over the years? You should hear my dad talk about the teacher who shot one of his students (in a fit of road rage, no less) and got off!

Friday Music Blog: At World's End

My obsessions know no bounds. Some say I have the making of great stalker material, but I like to think I'm more along the lines of: joie de vivre.

We all know Captain Jack has been my raison d'etre--okay, probably still is. (Harry does run pretty neck and neck, but if both of them were going to get hit by a bus, I'd save Jack first.)

Last Friday, after a spectacular bit of drinking with Sin at the local Trops (I had a half pina colada, half rum rummer, which was funnily enough called: A Pain In The Ass--how apt), we roamed around a bit and ended up at the local Target. We roamed the mall; but I soon began hunting for POTC: At World's End, the soundtrack.

One of my favorite music purchases for me is to buy soundtracks. I must own more soundtracks than...well, anyone. I have a Harry Potter one, yes. But Target did not have said soundtrack; the mall closed and I couldn't return to the music store and get the lone copy they had. Sin and I parted ways around 10, and I darted off to the local Wal-Mart to find the soundtrack. (I can be very relentless in my pursuit of something, I know.)

And there it was. A lone copy--right there at eye level--and I skipped out of the store (after I paid for it) and played it all the way home. And all week, really. At work. In the car. If I had a CD player in my room, I'd probably play it for when I went to sleep at night. I went and found the lyrics for the "Hoist the Colors" song; and I sing along with the little boy in the first track. (The words are very interesting by the way.)

My favorite track is probably #11. It's the one where Jack and Davy fight on the main mast. I love that...bit...the rise and fall of it. It's so exhilirating. The track that immediately follows is the one that's for Will and Elizabeth--and it's so romantic and heartbreaking, I get choked up all the time listening to it.

Do you like movie soundtracks? Do you own any? Which ones and why? And can you listen to a soundtrack and pinpoint where in the movie we're at?

Ranger, Ranger, Ranger

Six days until a new Plum book hits the stands. Apparently this one will be much like the other twelve: no resolution in regards to the Morelli and Ranger debate. Much like reaching a conclusion of 'whose side Snape is really on', it seems Janet is loathe to make her commitments known. She loves instead to play her “The Lady or The Tiger” card and leave us fans squirming and wailing in the background, wishing for our commercial fiction to have a bit less ambiguity and a lot more Ranger.

Because face it, it’s gotta be Ranger.

And in honor of that Man of Mystery, let’s list the top 10 things you can (and should) do with Ranger, should you ever cross paths:

1.) Have him ruin you for all other men
2.) Drive his car—and get it hijacked, or at least suitably wrecked
3.) Take him out for pie
4.) Think of new and impressive ways to amuse him, mainly by being yourself
5.) Elope to Vegas—this will be especially exciting since he’s got a warrant out for him in Nevada
6.) Invite your wily, sex-crazed grandmother over to hit on him; laugh when he squirms
7.) Give him a bubble bath—and use a lot of that good-smelling soap of his as you suds him up
8.) Exchange sexually-charged banter for hours—then go home and take a cold shower (it’s what Janet does to Stephanie in every episode of the Ranger show)
9.) Dress up in your best CFM outfit and pretend you’re helping him catch a mark
10.)Have him ruin you for all other men—because the first time, while memorable, is never
enough

Anything special you’d like to do with Ranger?