All Things Harry Potter (warning: this blog may contain obsessive raves)

Today is June 21, and while to most people this only means: "hey, it's the first day of summer", for me (who shuns sunlight like a vampire), it means: in exactly one month, I'll have Harry Potter's newest (and last) book in my hot little hands and I will finally, finally have all the big questions answered.

Warning: if you write "Harry Potter is going to die" in the comments, as a dictator, I will delete it. Just saying. Cast your John the Baptist bits of doom on someone else's blog. I am obviously too narrow-minded to consider the possibility.

Okay. Per your request, I have come up with a short guide to dating a la Harry Potter. And it goes like this:

Number 10: Be moody, broody, and slightly mad. It worked for Lord Byron, and it probably helps if you’re also known as “mad, bad, and dangerous to know.” This worked well for Harry in book 5, where he finally got to snog a girl.

Number 9: Transfiguring your date into a supermodel will probably not get you a second date with them. Transfiguring yourself might. Swallowing some Polyjuice Potion might work for you, as well; however, keeping Orlando Bloom or Jude Law locked in a trunk so you can have access to stray hairs will most likely get you jail time for being a complete stalker/kidnapper. (Might just be cheaper, less law-breaking, to do a Hugh Grant.)

Number 8: Falling in love with yourself is the beginning of a life long affair. Ask Professor Lockhart.

Number 7: Be careful not to break your wand under stressful circumstances. “Making magic” with a broken wand is nie onto impossible.

Number 6: If you find yourself bickering with someone of the opposite sex all the time, you are in love with this person. You won’t know it though until she starts dating a complete prat because you live in complete denial.

Number 5: If blind adoration doesn’t work (and it never does), pretend to fall in love with someone else to make your Girl/Guy of Your Dream realize you’re a limited commodity. (Supply and demand has ruled since Eve and the apple.) Lead him on a merry chase as you happily date other idiots until GOYD kisses you in the middle of the Common Room.

Number 4: Fall in love immediately with someone who doesn’t know you exist. Wear your heart on your sleeve for years and blush profusely anytime he/she talks to you. Promptly get yourself possessed by the Evil Villain so he/she has to rescue you—at least that way he/she knows you exist.

Number 3: Tamp off jealous rages that the GOYD is dating a complete prat by accusing her/him of showing disloyalty to country, school, or common friends. Make something up if necessary. Guilt is a necessary and viable dating tool to get you to make out with GOYD.

Number 2: When asking a girl out to a dance, separate her from the “Pack”. This will be difficult since we all know women do everything in groups of two or more, even going to the bathroom—which is completely absurd since there is no such thing as two toilets in one stall.

Number 1: When you finally find the love of your life, break up with her to “protect her” from the bad guys and thereby let everyone in the world know that you’re just as much of an idiot as the next guy—because we all know this whole heroic ploy will have been useless when the villain kills her anyway and you wasted valuable time you could have been using to make out with her. Dumbass.

So what dating advice have you gleaned from Harry Potter? Or any movie really? I might be having another date again, eventually, I could use all the advice I can get.

POTC's Guide to Dating

A few years ago when LOTR's came out, there was this hysterical email that went around, offering a LOTR's Guide to Dating. The #1 bit of dating advice they offered (and to which nobody could argue): Some people will go to any lengths to get a ring; others, having had one for awhile, will go to any lengths to chuck it into a volcano. Too true. I've never even had a ring and I know there is wisdom in this statement.

I showed this list of dating rules to one of the Mathematics Education doctoral students, to which he suggested I add to this listing. Well, for one, I didn't think you could improve upon perfection (I mean, who can top that ring statement?); and two, you should write what you know, and my expertise does not lie with LOTR. (A fact that made my last coffee date go horribly, horribly awry.)

In any case, if I were to write a dating guide (Terri, you can stop snorting in laughter now) I would write it according to Pirates of the Caribbean. I mean, I've watched those movies about 700...I mean, five or six times, and as we all know with LOTRs, watching them more than once definitely takes a time commitment on your part. Like your entire Saturday.

So here are some rules to dating, according to pirates (and as with all rules--they're more like guidelines than actual rules.)

1) Timing is essential. Asking the love of your life to marry you while you're swordfighting a shipful of the enemy is probably not the optimal time to propose marriage.

2) There's nothing kinkier or more fun than handcuffing the bad boy pirate and having your wicked way with him--but make sure your goody two-shoes boyfriend doesn't catch you doing it.

3) No matter what gorgeous, well-adjusted, career-minded NICE guy you fall for--you'll always secretly wish he was a bit more like Captain Jack Sparrow.

4) If you want to have any chance among pirates in competing against their love for gold--you better not dress as a boy. You should probably dress in nothing.

5) If all else fails during an awkward situation, in which you cannot gracefully extricate yourself, fall off the side wall of a fort into the ocean below. Be sure to miss the rocks.

Can you think of any "guidelines" to dating a pirate?