The 10th Circle of Hell: Dating

My friend Terri points out I haven't blogged in two years. Frankly I haven't had anything particularly exciting to put up...but she mentioned it, and I thought about it, and what better thing to post for the entire WWW than my dating life? I know. I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

I have picked out for you, Dear Reader, the best of the worst of my dating career. Not that I've made dating a career...that'd make me something else entirely. Plus, even that would garner me more money than what I make now. Surely.

When I'm not "Cheeky Wench", I'm MsHellion--hence the Hellion references here.

Hellion’s Incredible List of Very Bad Dates

1.) Titanic Guy: “I’m looking for a love like the Titanic, and you’re just not it.”
2.) Boob Guy: “I think your breasts are dead.” *pause* “No offense or anything.”
3.) Parking Guy: “Let’s go Arrow Rock Hunting.” Then he proceeds to pretend he ran out of gas on a gravel road in the middle of no where. Thank God that didn’t turn out as ugly as it could have.
4.) Another Mike: About halfway through the date, we realize we’re fourth cousins. (Sadly, once again, one of my better dates.)
5.) Professor Guy: When the date didn’t go well, and it didn’t go well, he asked me to fill out a survey to explain what I didn’t like about it so he could work on it.
6.) Stupid Coffee Guy: sample dialogue. “You’re so beautiful.” Hellion, looking at her t-shirt and jeans, “Um, thank you.” “My father thinks I have the WORST taste in women—he says they are all dog ugly, but you’re so gorgeous.” Okay, you can shut up now.
7.) Halloween Date Guy: he took me to the dollar movies (no meal before hand), and I had to ride in his lap the whole way to town, ugh. And while waiting for the movie to start, he regaled me with his vandalism record and bigoted remarks about the local people. During the movie, there was a BRIEF scene where two women kiss, and he stood up and shouted: Shoot them both. It will amaze you, I’m sure, we did not go on a second date.
8.) Amish Guy: Hellion got trashed on three shots of tequila at a bar one night and started dancing with the one guy who paid attention to her, made out with him wildly (see: tequila), then later learned he was ex-Amish. I probably should have kept him. He was obviously my other half.
9.) “Sandman” Guy: This was a good date, actually, but it would have never worked out. Mainly because my father kept referring to him as the Sandman because he was from Saudi Arabia. Our dating came to an abrupt end because in order to keep dating him I had to enter into what amounted to a betrothal vow with him—and agree not to date anyone else while we were together. No thanks.
10.) Army Guy: He took me to a Bingo Parlor. I think that’s enough said.

I think we can agree, these are some bad dates. I have more to add to the list, but this is the cream of the crop so far. I have another coffee date guy, but so I don't mix him up...I think I'll refer to him as "dying pig" guy. It'll make sense in another post.

And I'll have to tell the date I had with one of my graduate students from Turkey. Whenever I tell that story, they say it's even better than Titanic Guy--and everyone always loves that date.