Anger Management

I had a long blog, but it got too revealing, so I'm going to summarize:

From Coyote Ugly:

Lil: That's Rachel, you can learn a lot from her.
Violet: She just cut some guy's ponytail off.
Lil: Yeah, the court ordered her to take anger-management classes after she pummeled a customer for grabbing her ass. He pressed charges, I gave her a raise. Cheers!

Wednesday's Movie Blog One Day Late

As you might know (or maybe not), I’ve been out sick a lot this week; however, I think it would be a travesty if I didn’t post my Movie Blog this week, especially when I was going to write about Pirates of the Caribbean. I mean, I’m sick—I ain’t dead. And this is by far, my favorite movie to put on when I’m sick…or well…or writing…or reading…or having sex….

Kidding with the last one. Haven’t actually tried that one yet—probably would though. That sounds like something I’d do.

I remember seeing the theatrical trailer for this flick in 2002, when they were advertising their 2003 blockbusters. I was with my friend Jackie at the time, in a theater that actually knows the meaning of stadium seating—and the screen is even larger than most movie screens. It came on, the soundtrack pounding in the background, and I was like a five-year-old seeing a movie for the first time—the thrill of excitement chilling down my arm, my popcorn hanging limply from my fingers as I stared, openmouthed at the screen—“Yo ho, yo ho” the little girl sing-songed—and there was Captain Jack Sparrow, turning for his three-quarter stance and smiling over his shoulder with his gun near his face.

I nearly swooned out of my chair and landed into the Cinemuck on the floor.

I didn’t blink for the minute and a half that trailer teased us—I didn’t breathe. And when it was over, Jackie and I turned as one, looked at each other, and said, “We’re so seeing that.” And we did. And we were total lunatics about it. We laughed hysterically throughout the whole movie. I probably hadn’t enjoyed a movie that much since the first Harry Potter movie (when I hadn’t even known who Harry Potter was or cared).

So just in case you’ve been living under a rock, I’m going to share my favorite moments and dialogue:

Will Turner: You cheated.
Jack Sparrow: Pirate.

* * *

Jack Sparrow: [to Weatherby Swann] I think we've all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically.
Jack Sparrow: I want you to know that I was rooting for you. Know that.
[to Commodore Norrington]
Jack Sparrow: Elizabeth... it would never have worked between us darling. I'm sorry... Will... nice hat. Friends... This is the day that you will ALWAYS remember as the day that you...
[backs up and trips over ledge]

* * *

Will Turner: Where's Elizabeth?
Jack Sparrow: She's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised. And you get to die for her, just like you promised. So we're all men of our word really... except for, of course, Elizabeth, who is in fact, a woman.

* * *

Jack Sparrow: [looking at all the swords] Who makes all these?
Will Turner: I do. And I practice with them three hours a day.
Jack Sparrow: You need to find yourself a girl mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch are you?

* * *

Jack Sparrow: Stop blowing holes in my ship!

* * *

Will Turner: We're going to steal a ship? That ship?
Jack Sparrow: Commandeer. We're going to commandeer that ship. Nautical term.

* * *

Jack Sparrow: One question about your business, boy, or there's no use going: This girl... how far are you willing to go to save her?
Will Turner: I'd die for her.
Jack Sparrow: Oh good. No worries then.

* * *

Jack Sparrow: [Imitating Elizabeth] "It must have been terrible for you, Jack. Must have been terrible." Well, it bloody is now.
[Seeing Norrington's ship off shore]
Jack Sparrow: There'll be no living with her after this.

* * *

Jack Sparrow: [Wakes up and sees Elizabeth burning the rum] No! Not good! Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade... the rum!
Elizabeth: Yes, the rum is gone.
Jack Sparrow: Why is the rum gone?
Elizabeth: One: because it is a *vile* drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. Two: that signal is over a thousand feet high. The entire royal navy is out looking for me, do you think there is even the slightest chance they wont see it?
Jack Sparrow: But why is the rum gone?

So what's your favorite Jack moment?

Tin Cup

I admit it. I love Kevin Costner. I don’t necessarily love his movies, but I love that man. The first time I remember watching a Kevin Costner movie, I was 16 and it was Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. He didn’t have an English accent—so why he was Robin Hood was anyone’s guess; he didn’t have a butt you could necessarily bounce a quarter off of since he does give rise to the theory that all white men have frog butts; and he had a mullet. Then again, pretty much everyone had a mullet then—so that could be overlooked.

None of these facts mattered to me. The man was hot—H-A-W-T, hot, and I couldn’t wait until it came out on VHS so I could own it. He instantly rocketed to the top of my list of men I’d love to marry (or whatever). He remained there for a good ten years; and he’s shifted up and down the listing over the years, but he’s definitely still in the top twenty of “Boy, would I—and where are my handcuffs” category.

Soon after listing him thusly, I got to do some catching up with other movies of his: Silverado (boy, is he adorable in this!) and Bull Durham (which in my opinion is the definitive Costner movie). Other movies came: Dances With Wolves (good); Waterworld (geez, Kev, what were you thinking?) and JFK (jury’s still out on that one). Then came Tin Cup.

Arguments can be made and defended this is really Bull Durham with golf clubs. You would be right—and you would be wrong. But it’s Kevin Costner at what he does best. Cocky, but insecure good old boy who has to overcome himself and then wins the girl in the end. I’m assuming it’s not a real acting stretch for darlin’ Kevin, but who cares?

The dialogue and actions in this movie are quite hysterical. Or maybe it’s only hysterical to me since I can identify with said hero who would willingly self-destruct just to make a point. “Give me another ball.” The last fifteen minutes of the movie are just painful to watch, but you can’t turn away. Fortunately, it all works out anyway. Sorta. He at least gets the girl. (And by the way, when he starts kissing her on the couch? *fans self*)

Since quotations and movie quotes are possibly my favorite thing in the world—you should see the number of Quotation Reference books I have on my shelves and the scores of quotes stored on my computer—I will list my favorite quotes from this movie.

Roy 'Tin Cup' McAvoy: Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

Dr. Molly Griswold: There's no such thing as semi-platonic.
Roy 'Tin Cup' McAvoy: Well there ought to be.

Roy 'Tin Cup' McAvoy: Does my inner child need a spanking?

Do you have any favorite movie quotes? Any favorite Kevin quotes? Favorite Kevin Costner kisses? Because I have to say the sex scene from Bull Durham is definitive for me! Sign me up and lay me in the spilled milk, baby.