Devil's In The Details

To quote Jack, “A wedding? I love weddings!”

Well, with the following amendment, so long as I’m not in them. I was a bridesmaid once, and that was plenty. I didn’t understand. I was young, naïve, and yes, self-absorbed at the time of my bridesmaidal occupation; but I sincerely think I missed out on the girl gene of caring about certain details in regards to a wedding. Like, some people really care how many people are allowed at the wedding (and whose feelings will be hurt if they’re not invited), if there should be three bridesmaids or seven (and how are we going to fit all my friends and siblings into the wedding party without pissing off my friends or my mother), and should I have Alstroemeria or Liatris at the front of the church? Church? Speaking of which, where should I have my wedding? At the chapel with the red carpet or the one with the stained glass windows?

I wish I were kidding, but these are the things brides actually worry about. And it doesn’t end there. There are articles and media and mothers constantly going on and on about how each detail must be carefully thought out, or the wedding will suck and you’ll never be able to hold up your head in town again. Or worse, your mother will not be able to. And I, as the bridesmaid, was obviously unhelpful when I pointed out the obvious: It’s your wedding. Do it however you want.

This was apparently bad advice. And unwanted. I don’t understand it. It’s sound advice. (Except perhaps she didn’t know what she wanted. Maybe bridal planning is a lot like dieting—it doesn’t go well if you have too many options to pick from.) Well, I’m here to help you limit your options. There are only two things you need to worry about for a wedding, three if you count the cake. (And you should, cake is important.)

Number 1: The Groom. One would assume at the time of your wedding planning you have already acquired one of these. One-third of your planning is already solved. Congratulations!

Number 2: The Dress. You have to look good. You’re the bride. This is The Moment to look smoking hot and make every other dumbass man who ever broke your heart absolutely ripped with jealousy and regret.

Number 3: The Cake. (This one was semi-negotiable.) Wedding cake is like crack and none of us get to eat it near enough. Plus, you feed cake to people, and no one will remember anything else about that wedding. Other than you looked gorgeous, obviously.

Everything else is up for negotiation, and frankly if you don’t care about it, don’t have it at your wedding.

But my mother (grandmother/MIL/sister/friends/insert female here) thinks I should [insert needless drama item here] or my wedding will be awful! They lie. It’s not their wedding. When it’s their wedding they can insert all the needless drama items they want. In the meantime, it’s your wedding and you should be looking for a dress.

If I get married in Vegas, everyone will think I’m pregnant/cheating them out of a real wedding/not serious about marriage. Uh-huh. Who’s footing the bill for this gig anyway? You, my dear bride? Yes, people will say anything to get cake. When you return from your lovely Vegas wedding, undetailed by the burdens of massive federal debt or stress of a celebrity-style wedding, you can buy a cake for the little naysayers and be done with it.

The moral of the story is that you can’t please everybody, but you can please yourself—and if you’re happy, then the groom’s happy. And if he’s not happy and cares more for the details than you—he’s running for office or he’s gay—and in either case, you need to get out now. The End

Oh, and my wedding (provided that I’m not hit by a bus first, which is apparently more likely): Vegas. On the pirate ship. In a bitchin’ bridal pirate gown. Or…maybe a different theme. Who knows? But I assure you I’ll have the two things that matter: The Groom and The Gown. Everything else is just details, baby.