Nicknames

I’m not wild about nicknames myself. This may be an odd statement to reveal about myself, since most people only know me as “Hellion” or “Wench”, but there you go. Mainly because my real name is so horrendous that childhood nicknames should have been labeled as child abuse. (Seriously, children are the worst bullies. Some sort of evolutionary “you are the weakest link, goodbye” thing going on in their little lizard brains.)

My real name can be shortened to have an “ie” tacked on; however, being that many people in high school tried this stunt, and then rhymed it with “wannie” or “mannie” or whatever their rhyming dictionary offered them—I abhorred that name. To this day, there are times I can hear one of the female jocks screeching my “ie” nickname in this obnoxious way (which she considered affectionate) and I just shudder. I rarely allow anyone to call me by my “ie” nickname—and one of the two qualifiers have to be in place for you to be allowed to do so.

First qualifier: we can’t have gone to grade or high school together. Period. Even though I graduated a thousand years ago, it does not matter. If we went to school together, you’re never allowed to call me by that name. Of course, I doubt I’ll allow you to address me at all…because I pretty much can’t stand anyone I graduated with. But don’t worry, it’s a fair prejudice. I loathe them all equally. There is no reason for us to ever speak to each other again. Ever.

Second qualifier: I have to feel you like me. If I think it’s being used as a term of affection, I’ll let you call me pretty much anything you like. “Aww, my little rum-runner, how are you this morning….” My little skunk-kitten…whatever. So I let a few women use the “ie” name first, mainly because they didn’t do that obnoxious pronunciation of it. I’ve admittedly let some men call me my “ie” nickname. Mainly they met the first qualifier, but usually when they say it, they usually give me their reckless, I-know-you-love-me grins, and I probably do, so I let it go. I’m a sucker for men and their flirty ways. Men are my kryptonite. Bastards.

I got to college and I shortened my name to exclude the “ie” portion. And after a time of being mouthy, sarcastic, and a wee bit cheeky, I decided Wench was a good description…and then Hellion. [---] the Hellion was my nickname. It was my email too…but after a while, being we all knew I hated my first name, I just became Hellion. It makes a good anonymous persona, and I was able to adapt this totally badass personality to go with it. Instead of being a witty introvert with a keyboard, I could give off the vibe of being a tall red-headed, black-leather-wearing hell-cat a-la Lara Croft, but in reality, I’m more of a frumpier version of either Meg Ryan or Drew Barrymore, neither of which you’d send out back to beat up so much as chipmunk. (I do have a deadly glare though.)

What’s your favorite nickname for yourself and why? What’s the nickname you won’t allow anyone to call you?